


Breathe Me

by Adolpha



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, menitoned Yaku Morisuke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 06:37:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16470614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adolpha/pseuds/Adolpha
Summary: Sometimes Kenma just needs to be reminded to breathe.





	Breathe Me

**Author's Note:**

> So I did this for a commission, and it occupied my entire life for three whole days and I adored it. For even more fun times, and I mean fun, listen to Breathe Me by Sia.

Everything was grey. Even the sun seemed darker than it should be, but Kenma wasn’t focused on that. He was too busy contemplating the weight on his chest. He knew he should get up and turn off the alarm that was letting out a series of shrill beeps, but this heaviness just grew worse every time he thought about it.

_ Not today. Today isn’t going to happen. _

Kenma rolled over, covered himself with the blanket, and turned to stare at the wall of his bedroom. Time passed but Kenma didn’t notice it. He distantly registered his cell phone going off but paid it no mind. It was the default tone which meant it was nobody important enough to warrant Kenma’s attention. The only thing going on in Kenma’s mind was the sound a TV makes when it’s set on the wrong channel. The white noise made him feel as though he were looking through a fog and the nothingness from it was suffocating. It seemed heavier than the weight that was settled in his chest.

_ Useless. _

His mind supplied words and phrases that it felt described Kenma. It was wrong...right?

_ Waste of space. _

Wrong. His mind was right. He couldn’t even get out of bed and be productive. Of course he was a waste of space.

He didn’t know when, but he started crying. Warm tears left tracks as they slid down his face. He really needed to get over this by afternoon practice. And there goes his phone again. He tried to zero in on the noise, and was able to process an annoyingly catchy pop song.

**_Come, come kitty kitty. You’re so pretty, pretty._ **

It was Kuroo. Kenma raised his arm, fighting against how it felt like it weighed ten pounds, and answered the call. He couldn’t make his voice work so he opted to remain silent.

“Kenma?” His boyfriend’s voice asked softly. Kuroo’s voice made it sound like he was trying not to startle a small kitten and something inside Kenma broke. It was like the dam built to hold back all of his emotion was demolished and his feelings were finally free. So he started sobbing. He hiccuped trying to keep oxygen flowing back into his lungs.

“Kenma, breathe.” Kuroo said. Kenma’s chest constricted and he couldn’t catch his breath. Everything was overwhelming and not for the first time today, Kenma thought he would be better off dead.

“I can’t. I can’t do it, Kuro. I just can’t.” Kenma gasped out. The blanket slid off his shoulders as he sat up trying to open his airway more.

“Kenma, listen. Let’s breathe. Both of us, together. Inhale.” Kuroo said inhaling on the other side of the line. Kenma tried to take a breath but it got stuck in his throat. He let out another sob.

“Try again.” Kuroo said. After a couple tries, each time Kuroo prompting Kenma to try again, the blond was able to take a breath and started to settle down.

“What time is it?” Kenma asked, voice raw from the crying.

“It’s 2pm.” Kuroo replied, his own voice more relaxed now that Kenma was calmer. However, hearing the time almost sent Kenma into another fit as he processed it was too late and he wouldn’t be able to get to practice.

_ Worthless. _

His breathing faltered and Kuroo picked up on it.

“Hey, breathe.” Kuroo reminded him, grounding him for a moment as his voice cut through the haze in Kenma’s mind. Kenma obeyed and took another deep breath.

“I’m sorry, Kuro. I won’t be at practice. I know I should but I just can’t. I’m sorry.” Kenma said, fighting back more tears. The line went quiet for only a moment, but it felt like a lifetime for Kenma.

“Okay. It’s okay. Let me call you back.” Kuroo said soothingly, as he took the phone from his face. He called out before ending the call but Kenma couldn’t make it out. The dial tone rang in Kenma’s ear and the tears started to fall.

_ Useless. Piece of shit. Couldn’t even get to practice. Letdown. _

Kenma ended his side of the call, and let his hand drop to his side. He closed his eyes, and wished the voice in his head would stop talking.

**_Come, come kitty, kitty. You’re so pretty, pretty._ **

Kenma jumped as the phone went off again.

“Kuro?” He asked. Sure, Kuroo said he’d call back but Kenma figured it would be after practice.

“Hey, Morisuke agreed to run practice. I’m on my way over.” His boyfriend replied. Kenma brought his hand up, covered it with the end of his sleeve and wiped his face. He couldn’t name the emotion he felt right now, but it was somewhere between relief and guilt. On one hand, he was really thankful he wouldn’t have to be alone. On the other hand, he felt bad for taking Kuroo away from one of his favorite hobbies.

“Kenma?” Kuroo asked. Kenma was pushed back into his reality.

“I’m here. Sorry.” Kenma mumbled. He didn’t really have anything to say as he was still trying to parse through the guilt.

“It’s okay. I’m just down the street, okay?” Kuroo asked. Kenma gave a hum, tears reforming and god, was he tired of crying.

“I’ll see you in a minute.” Kuroo said before hanging up. Kenma closed down the call and was now completely drained of energy. He fell over onto his side, legs still half crossed. His eyes were unseeing and he wasn’t very responsive to anything. He heard the front door open and he heard Kuroo climb the stairs to his room but he didn’t make any effort to move. The door opened softly as Kuroo padded inside. Kenma couldn’t even move his eyes to look at the older boy but he was aware of Kuroo sitting on the bed and scooting to sit against the wall. He moved over a little bit before reaching out to wrap his hands on Kenma’s arms and pulled him to rest between his sprawled out legs.

“Hey.” Kuroo said letting Kenma lean against him. The blond just continued to stare into nothingness but let Kuroo move him around. He felt the tears start to sting his eyes again and he wanted nothing more than to just get away so he could cry in peace but his body wouldn’t work.

“It’s okay to cry, Kenma. It shows you’re aware of your emotions.” Kuroo said, as observant as ever. Kenma turned to wrap his arms around Kuroo’s neck and shoulders and buried his face in the other’s chest as he let out a sob. Kuroo pulled Kenma’s legs over his left one so Kenma was more comfortable. Neither knew how long they sat like that. Kenma let out every emotion he held back since he woke up and Kuroo let him, rubbing circles into his back. It was obvious the blond hadn’t showered last night or this morning. In fact, it didn’t seem like he had left his bed at all, which had the brunette questioning if he had eaten yet today.

Eventually, Kenma leaned away from Kuroo and rubbed his sleeve across his face. Kuroo didn’t let up on rubbing his back.

“Do you want to talk it over?” Kuroo asked knowing either way, Kenma was already somewhat better.

“I woke up numb and I don’t know why. But then the voice started up, and really, is it wrong? I would be better off dead.” Kenma stated. That shook Kuroo to the core. Kenma was entirely unaware of the storm he just unleashed.

“Both you and that voice are wrong.” Kuroo said, harsher than he intended. “Kenma, you mean so much to everyone around you.”

“Yeah? How do I look to the team? I regularly miss practice and let them down. Or what about my parents? I can’t keep these grades up. Or, oh, here’s one, how about you? I take your time away from practice and homework. You put up with so much of my shit. I’m nothing but a burden.” Kenma ranted. He had definitely found some energy, probably dragged from the depths of his body. Kuroo shook his head.

“Kenma, you aren’t your disorder. That’s one of the most important things about this. You don’t let your disorder define you. The team thinks you’re super cool because of how insanely smart you are. Because they know that more often than not, you’re struggling with some irrational thought or another and you’re pushing on. Your parents understand this too. Nobody expects you to be perfect, Kenma. Especially not me. I don’t ‘put up with your shit’. I do my damndest to carry the weight you put on yourself because I love you. Because you don’t deserve to carry it alone.” Kuroo responded as collected as he could. This seemed like a breaking point for his boyfriend and he didn’t want to push him over an edge he didn’t realize existed. Kenma went silent at Kuroo’s declaration.

“I know it’s not really possible for you to just, realize these things about yourself and accept them. But know that we all really love you. We want to support you, Kenma. In any way possible. _ I _ want to support you. Just, please don’t do anything that could hurt you.” Kuroo said. Kenma turned back to him. Kuroo brought a hand to Kenma’s face and ran his thumb over the soft skin of his cheek.

“If you feel like you’re heading in that direction, please let me know. I don’t want to ever lose you, Kenma. You’re my entire life.” Kuroo pleaded. Kenma found himself unable to look away from the dark eyes. They were full of sincerity and for the first time all day, Kenma was okay with being alive. He took a deep breath and pressed forward to kiss the other boy.

“Okay.” Was all he said. Nothing would ever take away the days he woke up numb. But if Kuroo was always ready to pick up the pieces, then it might be a little more manageable.

“Do you think you can bathe?” Kuroo asked. Kenma looked at him with an indescribable look.

“Are you trying to tell me something?” He glowered. Kuroo huffed a laugh into his shoulder.

“Yes, your hair is greasy.” Kuroo said moving to the edge of the bed still cradling the other boy.

“I guess I could shower.” Kenma said as he realized how gross he actually felt.

“Good. You go do that. I’m going to change your sheets because one, they’re really gross and two, they will be nicer when you sleep tonight. Then after we’re done, we’re going to make you breakfast.” Kuroo said knowing he was going to do all the cooking, but it would be fine. Because Kenma would be there to keep him company.

“Okay.” Kenma said before disengaging himself from Kuroo’s lap. Kuroo stood up and began stripping the bed sheets.

“And Kuro?” Kenma asked.

“Hm?” Kenma wrapped his arms around Kuroo’s waist.

“I love you.” He said into Kuroo’s back.

“I love you too, Kenma.” Kuroo said turning in his boyfriend’s embrace and kissing the top of his head. “Now go shower.”

Kenma whined but did as he was told and shuffled out of the room. Kuroo watched him go and opened the blinds to Kenma’s room before taking the bedding to the wash. When Kenma went back into his room for his PSP after his shower, he noticed that soft yellow light washed over everything. He smiled to himself for noticing and wiped away new tears. But these tears were more out of determination than anything else because he was going to get better. He would. For himself and for everyone in his life that supports him.


End file.
